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| The Diva Speaks: Silly Unwieldy Varmints (SUVs) Back to The Family Diva Speaks |
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| by Tracy Morris | |||
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The Diva hates to say she told you so... okay, that's an untruth — The Diva relishes the opportunity to
rub other noses in statistics that bear her out.
The SUV's gotta go, folks. Recently, the New York Times and other media biggies reported that, indeed, the "sport utility vehicle" (aka "Silly Unwieldy Varmint") emits 2 to 10 times the emissions of most Honda Civics. For those of you without the time to keep track of such terms, that means the SUV is a prime air polluter. In fact, it's so much so that even the Environmental Protection Agency, hacked at the knees though they be by a rampant Bush, has decried the road monsters to be bad for my health. Call me crazy, I like to breathe deep. I know that I've probably already lost those readers who are experiencing that little tingly feeling in their neck and shoulders that goes with :::cough::: shame. Perhaps, though, some are boldly defensive enough to hang in and read the rest of what their driving habits are doing to us? Surely, you already know this great paradox of SUV World: that these towering boxes which are often purchased because folks claim to feel safer in them are in fact also some of the most dangerous vehicles in the world. You know that, right? Oh, you don't watch 60 Minutes. Or a national news broadcast. | |||
| More from The Family Diva | |||
| Well, anyway — yes, SUVs lead
the pack, alright. Out of a group that includes passenger cars, pickup trucks, and vans, the SUV kills more people
than any. Depending on who you read, the fault lies either with the design or the driver of the monster. Doesn't
really matter, does it, when it's your head being squished? According to the head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, "The fatality rate per 100,000 registered SUVs is about three times higher than it is for passenger cars." |
Intro: The Family Speaks Delusions of Youthful Grandeur The Case for War Mama, What is Autumn? The (Northeastern) U.S. Standard My Oldest Friend All He Really Wants Holly's Legacy Enough Hate for Everyone For Calvin, Upon His Graduation A Reason for Being Subscribe to The Blueprint: Be first to hear what's new on HTMAF |
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| Still with me? If your defensive urges
are about to get the best of you, consider this: The Diva is a former owner of a Silly Unwieldy Varmint. Yes, I can admit it now. Back in the early 80's, when the first of their kind were being introduced, it was a hard purchase not to make for a brash young woman with three large dogs to haul. Here in Pickup Truck Land, where The Diva has always lived, the shiny new "covered trucks" as they were called seemed perfect for the folks who'd always felt a bit under-served by the open bed of the classic pickup. Whether it was potting soil or kids, dogs or plywood, my SUV could haul it with ease while I rode high and light above the throngs of Toyotas. So, you see, there's hardly a reason you have for driving your SUV that The Diva herself has not actually uttered. But with experience comes wisdom, wouldn't you agree? Living in what is clearly the Land o' The SUVs, we found our funny bones being tickled as we watched 'burb Mommies all over the country discovering what we already knew for generations. Riding high makes you the superior being on the road, no question. Now, "light trucks" (give me a break on that term!) account for one out of every two auto purchases in the United States. Now, in my safer-than-yours station wagon (aka The Tank), I am surrounded by walls o' vehicle. Regardless of the road, it's easier now to find an SUV than a, well, any other kind of automobile. Oh, in case you'd like to discuss the especially improved features of your own version of a Varmint, don't bother — The Diva also confesses to be make/model illiterate. I make that confession with my head held high, though. To me, automobiles of all kinds are necessary evils, a means to an end. I can't tell a Subaru from a Honda, or a Buick from a Ford. They're all boxes with four wheels to me. I am utterly useless in reporting auto-rendered crimes. When more auto-savvy folks (which seem to be the majority) snicker at my ignorance ("I don't know, I think it was a Volkswagon or a Geo..."), I simply ask them if they know off the top of their head which cluster of personality disorders most affects their family. I do. There's knowledge and then there's knowledge. But I digress... a little. The Diva truly enjoyed a recent serving of yet another popular "news magazine" show in which a psychologist who helps the auto-makers sell you more SUVs revealed what he knows about you. The good doctor Rapaille (the most famous of a new line of Auto Psychs), doesn't mince words when he says that the new, more family-friendly version of the military-inspired Hummer embodies "the desire to reproduce, to get the girls." As you scoff, remember — this man is being handed millions of dollars by the folks who design whatever vehicle they can sell the most. Bottom line: it's all about greed, fellow Drivers, and they're making a killing, literally, on your back. Oh, that would be Cluster B. For more of your related reading pleasure, The Diva recommends:
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