Why Do the Holidays Make Loss Seem Especially Difficult?

Holidays are a time when the world seems to slow down. We concentrate on what is important. Time is typically centered on relaxing and enjoying ourselves with family and dear friends. We nurture and celebrate our relationships, undistracted by everyday life. Consequently, any losses are felt more acutely during this time. If the pain is related to the loss of a relationship, the holidays can make the hurt more painful.

It is not unusual to feel as if we are "going crazy," especially if we have lost someone we love. However, any loss may turn our world upside down: that of a pet, a job, or a physical ability; any kind of broken relationship; possessions; or a sense of safety and security. Other occurrences can cause upheaval, including miscarriage or abortion; life plans gone awry; missing an important event; or the loss of hope, freedom, or even sobriety. Missing anything that has become familiar to us, even alcohol, cigarettes or an unhealthy relationship, can be very painful.

Loss causes many changes in our lives and can alter how we perceive the roles we play. If my child is dead, am I still a mother? Am I half a person without my life's partner? If I have lost my job, am I still a valuable member of society? Our self-esteem may plummet and we may question our identity.

If we are mourning the death of someone we love, the circumstances surrounding the death have an important effect on our grief experience. If the death was due to an illness, we may have watched the one we love suffer many debilitating changes. Terminal illness typically steals bodily functions as well as the ability to move, swallow, and communicate. It is not uncommon to have difficulty at first recalling what our loved one looked like when they were healthy.

If the death was sudden, unexpected, traumatic or violent, we are wrenched into a new reality. How can we ever feel normal again? How can anything, including the holidays, ever feel special once more? If we believe we were somehow responsible for the death, every morning is a painful reminder. While we may not be truly suicidal, we may wish for an end to our pain, because we cannot imagine ever feeling differently than we feel right now.

As we struggle to find meaning connected to our loss, we may find our faith battered. Why is it that something so unfair has happened to us? How could our God let something this painful occur? If we feel this way during a holiday that is set up around our faith, bitterness and anger may build.

Holidays are often a time of great beauty. Everything glitters with the richness of light and love. When we are in the depths of anguish and despair, we may find it hard to experience beauty. It seems that everyone around us can enjoy the festivities and this magnifies how alone we feel.

Our experience with grief is unique to us. No one else can feel exactly what we feel. Also, as individuals, every loss we have will be a different experience from all our other losses. Another person cannot completely understand how we feel.

When we lose a loved one or abilities, dreams or possessions, we must eventually learn how to move on. Somehow, we must get through our everyday routines despite the absence of this person or this thing. Similarly, the holidays make us revisit the mourning process. We must adjust, once again, to this "hole in our lives" at what previously may have been a very special time.

Read more on grief & holidays:

The Expanded Sky by Alice J. Wisler

What Can I Do to Get Through?

How Can I Help Someone Who's Grieving?

Does Grief Give Gifts?

Food, the centerpiece of many holiday gatherings, is a nurturing, life-sustaining celebration of our relationships. But in the wake of a great loss, even if we can taste the food we eat, we may have neither the appetite nor the energy to come to the table.

Just as we cannot anticipate the extent of a loss, we cannot be completely prepared for how fragile we may feel during the holidays. However, just knowing it may happen and not being surprised by this can help.

We must be gentle with ourselves and with each other. We may have lost a piece of ourselves, but chances are that, in that death or change, we have been given something as well. If we can find out what that is, we can honor it. It is our own priceless holiday gift to ourselves.

{Hospice of Michigan provides comprehensive comfort care to people living with a terminal illness and support to their families. The organization serves more than 900 people every day in 45 counties in Michigan. For information about Hospice of Michigan services, call 1-888-247-5181 or visit their Web site, www.hom.org.}