What Can I Do to Get Through the Holidays?

We have suffered a major loss of a loved one or something special in our lives. How do we get through the holidays, when we are still grieving? First, do nothing. Simply feel what you feel. It is a simple notion, but not necessarily an easy one. It may be the very last thing we want to do. If we are surrounded by people who want to distract us, because our pain makes them uncomfortable, it can also be a very lonely time. They may want us to return to being our happy selves again as soon as possible, but we cannot be exactly the same persons we were before this happened. And so we need to feel. Actually feeling and even exploring that feeling are the best ways to reach the point when we are not overwhelmed by our emotions.

Second, express what you feel. This is called mourning and it is absolutely critical. If we bottle up and try to ignore our feelings, they will come out in other, perhaps unhealthy or even dangerous, ways. Our pain is real and deserves a voice. There are many ways to express grief: talking, crying, writing, praying, singing, living with intentional awareness, or expressing appreciation for what we have. Expressing grief can be done privately -- in a journal or in a silent prayer. It can occur in a more public fashion -- support group meetings, remembrance services, or visiting memorials. Some of our world's most memorable music and works of art were created during a time of incredible loss in an artist's life. We give ourselves a gift when we create space in our lives to allow our feelings to surface, whatever those feelings may be. If we stay busy or numb our feelings with drugs and alcohol, it only delays the inevitable.

It is also very important to take care of our physical selves during this time. Our immune system can be affected by grief and we are more vulnerable to illness and accidents. As much as we are able, we need to eat balanced meals and drink plenty of fluids, especially water. We need rest and may find ourselves sleeping more than usual. We should try to stay away from alcohol and other substances that numb our pain.

Sometimes grief counseling is suggested for someone who seems to be having a difficult time coping with a significant loss. Keep in mind that grief is not a problem to be fixed, nor is it a disease to be cured. Grief is not the same as depression and cannot be permanently alleviated with medication. We may or may not need a grief counselor. What we can mostly likely benefit from are having companions during our grief. Those individuals can listen with their whole being. Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, U.S. Army (Ret.), puts this concept into an easy-to-remember formula: "Pain Shared = Pain Divided. Joy Shared = Joy Multiplied." When and however we express and share grief, we benefit from its gifts and experience growth.

Ideally, families are a built-in support system. When a death occurs in the family, everyone mourns the loss of the same person. However, the relationships between the person who died and the remaining family members were different for each of them, and their manifestation of grief is different. A display of emotion -- or lack of it -- can cause misunderstandings and hurt feelings, even in well-adjusted families.

Sometime we want our pain to remain private. Having a place to be where no one knows what we are going through can be a haven. But, what about those times we do not want to be alone in our grief? Can we say to another person, "I'm hurting. I'm having a really hard time." We need to look for support from those who can give it. We should find a support group, or a trusted individual who will be a companion and give us their quiet presence during this difficult time.

If we are mourning the death of someone we love during the holidays, there are many special ways we can acknowledge our loss. Here are a few.

Read more on grief & holidays:

The Expanded Sky by Alice J. Wisler

Why Do Holidays Make Grief So Difficult?

How Can I Help Someone Who's Grieving?

Does Grief Give Gifts?

Perhaps the most valuable holiday gift we can give ourselves is that of preparation. Whom do or don't we want to spend time with during the holidays? What do we want to be sure to do or not do during this time? Perhaps we can overlook some of our traditions this year, if they feel too painful or simply too tiring. We can always resume next year.

The best gift we can give others during this time is to take good care of ourselves.

{Hospice of Michigan provides comprehensive comfort care to people living with a terminal illness and support to their families. The organization serves more than 900 people every day in 45 counties in Michigan. For information about Hospice of Michigan services, call 1-888-247-5181 or visit their Web site, www.hom.org.}