Does Grief Give Gifts During the Holiday Season?

Sometimes I wonder if all the technological advances our society has made have not actually arrested us emotionally and spiritually. How many of us, in the wake of a great loss, keep up the frantic pace of our lives, distracting ourselves with activity and sound? Do we fill every waking moment with something in order to avoid feeling?

What did our ancestors do after dark before the discovery of electricity? I imagine a small band of people of all ages sitting around a fire. In times of great loss and sadness, they perform rituals, make music and sit together in wordless silence, staring into the fire, perhaps wondering about their own ancestors. The coming of the night provided a natural and regular time and space to celebrate their relationships and connectedness to each other and the world in which they lived.

Grief is often a time of great darkness. The holiday season is typically a time when we slow down and live with more reflective awareness, appreciating the people around us. Is it possible that this could be a gift?

We do not enjoy feeling pain, especially the deep throbbing ache of the absence of someone we love. However, grief is something we cannot outrun. Regardless of the distractions we arrange, be they activity, passive entertainment or substance abuse, when we look over our shoulders, grief is still there.

What if, like our ancestors, we recognized our cycles of living in darkness? Perhaps we cannot see a future of hope and brightness. What if we sat very still and listened? What if we trusted that something greater is at work and we do not need to control everything? Can we imagine simply feeling?

Sometimes our families and friends who cannot understand our grief are, out of ignorance, not supportive of the journey on which we find ourselves. This can make holiday time especially difficult. There are, however, others who can give us what we need. They are strangers only because we have not met them yet. Their own journeys may be more similar to ours than the people with whom we regularly share our lives. Their friendship and support can be gifts to us.

Read more on grief & holidays:

The Expanded Sky by Alice J. Wisler

Why Do Holidays Make Grief So Difficult?

What Can I Do to Get Through?

How Can I Help Someone Who's Grieving?

Support comes from within as well. Healing is built into us. After great physical trauma, the body goes into shock. It becomes very still, so that all the energy necessary for healing can be marshaled and directed toward the injury. It is the same with emotional and spiritual trauma. When we allow ourselves to be very still and feel what is happening inside us, we create the conditions where natural healing can occur.

About a year ago, I cared for two white rats for my friend Laura. They both contracted cancer, a couple months apart from each other. When it was time to euthanize first Stuart, then Snowball, I was amazed at the depth of my pain at having to let them go. Why did the deaths of these little rodents hit me harder than my grandmother's death when I was 13 years old? I realize now that one of the gifts my grandmother's death gave to me was a softer heart. And it gets softer and bigger with every loss. The death of other family members, pets, job changes, a divorce, my home ... I am learning just how much love a broken heart can hold.

The holidays are a special time. The experience of grief in the wake of a loss is special, too, in its own painful way. Let us trust that when they coincide, there are gifts for us in the darkness. Let us believe that compassion and love are strengthened, not destroyed, by life's losses.

{Hospice of Michigan provides comprehensive comfort care to people living with a terminal illness and support to their families. The organization serves more than 900 people every day in 45 counties in Michigan. For information about Hospice of Michigan services, call 1-888-247-5181 or visit their Web site, www.hom.org.}